You really coming over, don't trick.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
