I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
