we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
