woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
