you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
did you just send me my own nude
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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