the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
