Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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