Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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