So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
