So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
