I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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