I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
