I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
