as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
