That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
