Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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