Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
