Acid is not a monday night drug
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
