yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
