So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
