I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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