dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
