A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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