The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
