If that was your dad, he is hot
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
