Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
