you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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