Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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