I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
