i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Swine flu. Run for my life!
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
