I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
