I accidentally burped into my bong.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
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