does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
