your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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