Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
