I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
