Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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