Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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