Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
