Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
