my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
