So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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