i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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