guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
