lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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