Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
