captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
