remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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