Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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