im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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