He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
